if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
