Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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