the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
