I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
