Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
