I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
