I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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