It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize