Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
