Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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