so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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