It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
