I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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