I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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