We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
