she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
