I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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