i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Life is so much better after having sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
