my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
