I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
