Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
