i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
