toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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