If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
