im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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