My underwear smells like fireworks.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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