Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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