He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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