got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
then he tried to convert me to islam
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
