You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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