i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
