I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
