don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
