Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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