Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
