my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
