is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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