I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
my being single is dangerous.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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