just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
