We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
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I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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