Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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