Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
