I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
