I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
