You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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