Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
