I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
