piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
