so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
