Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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