Whatcha textin bout Willis?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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