It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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