Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
its liver damage thursday
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
