Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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