I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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