WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
