and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sex in the backyard? Check.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
