I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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