I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
