Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
